Sports

March Recap: 400 Men Walk Two Miles Against No Opponent, Take The Win

Kyle Saunders reviews the tape: solid drumline, adequate pace, full shield deployment against zero incoming objects.

WASHINGTON - Four hundred guys walked about two miles through the capital on Saturday in matching uniforms, and I want to start with what went right: the drumline kept time, the columns held their spacing, and hydration appeared adequate for July. Those are the positives.

Now the tape. The group carried shields the entire route. In sports, equipment tells you what game you think you are in. Shields say somebody is throwing something. I reviewed all available footage. Nothing was thrown. Nobody showed up to throw anything. They shielded themselves from a Saturday.

"It is like wearing a catcher's mask to a restaurant. You can do it. It is legal. But everybody can see there is no baseball." Kyle Saunders

The Competition Question

Here is my problem with scoring this thing. A march to take the country back implies an opponent. I checked the schedule. The country was not booked. The country was at the pool, at cookouts, and at a ballgame, where the Nationals lost, which is a separate story I also filed. You cannot take a win over a city that is busy grilling. In the record books that is called a scrimmage.

Also the masks. In sports, the only people who cover their faces are goalies, catchers, and fencers: athletes about to be hit with something traveling at speed. I checked what was traveling at speed toward these guys. It was a group photo.

Attendance was announced at 400. Our data desk counted lower. In sports we call that a gate figure, and we print the turnstile number next to it, which is what the data desk did. The group has objected to the turnstile.

So: two miles, no turnovers, no opponent, no points. The drumline was solid. Everything else on the box score is a zero, and I checked the box score twice, because that is the job. As far as I can tell, the ball never went anywhere at all.

Editor's note: Kyle asked whether this story counts toward the deadpan competition. The judges have ruled that it does. See the politics desk for the current standings dispute.