Science

Scientists Admit Trump's Tie Has Been Pointing Toward Prosperity This Whole Time

Researchers say the tie's downward angle may indicate growth, confidence, or gravity doing its usual thing.

A blue-ribbon panel of extremely available researchers announced that Donald Trump's tie has been pointing toward prosperity for years, a finding that could revolutionize the emerging field of formalwear macroeconomics.

The team examined photographs, television clips, and one commemorative calendar before concluding that the tie consistently indicated "downward, but in an aspirational way."

"Previous administrations underestimated the directional power of silk."

Critics argued that most ties point downward because they are ties. The panel responded by unveiling a chart where the tie was surrounded by arrows, which everyone agreed made the situation look more technical.

The discovery has already inspired new indicators, including the Cufflink Optimism Index and the Pocket Square Confidence Curve. Markets were unchanged, though one cable graphic appeared briefly impressed.