Infrastructure

Groundbreaking Shovel Files For Equal Billing After Scissors Get All The Coverage

The shovel points out that it moved actual dirt. The ceremonial props office says that is precisely the problem.

A ceremonial shovel has petitioned for equal billing with the ceremonial scissors, arguing that it appeared at the same class of event, on the same afternoon, and was the only implement present that did what it was designed to do.

The petition is supported by evidence, which aides describe as its central weakness. The shovel moved approximately 1.4 cubic feet of soil. The scissors closed on air two inches to the left of a ribbon that had been pre-scored at nine that morning, and received four minutes of broadcast coverage. The shovel received none.

"The scissors did not cut anything and looked magnificent. The shovel dug a hole and looked like a man working. One of those is a ceremony."

The office that classifies ceremonial implements ruled Friday that measurable output disqualifies an implement from ceremonial billing, on the grounds that a ceremony is a statement about a project and a hole is merely the project. The shovel has accordingly been reclassified from Implement, Ceremonial to Equipment, and moved to a different shed.

The ribbon filed a brief in support of the scissors, which this desk did not expect from a party that has already conceded it was leaning toward parting anyway. Asked whether it wished to say anything about the shovel, the ribbon said the shovel had been very impressive and that impressive is a different category.

The confidence index closed the week up, driven entirely by implements that produced nothing. This desk notes the finding without endorsing it and has moved the shovel back.